Sunday, November 30, 2008

Mistake

"an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc."

I found myself debating whether I wanted the word of focus for this post to be "change" or "mistake." Both are extremely applicable - so much about me has seemed to change since I last wrote. In fact, a day after my talk of wishes something occured - a mistake if you will - that changed me irrevocably. As it is, I ended up deciding on "mistake." I feel as though change can certainly be applied in both a positive as well as negative light, and if I were to use it for the present post, it would be unfairly negative.

So mistake it is. You know, there used to be a lyric (I find myself frequently falling back to lyrics, or lines from books or verses from poems to explain something...it's amazing how they become a part of our lives; our thoughts, actions and emotions..but that's a topic for another day) that I spouted and took as a motto for living. It was about life, and how the singer, if he had a second chance, wouldn't change a thing. "It's made me all who I am inside" he croons. I thought I agreed with him. Wholeheartedly.

But I've come to realize that isn't the case. While I agree with songs about being thankful for simply being alive, I've come to see that I also agree with those songs and sonnets that do believe in regret, in remorse, in wishing they could have done something different.

Mistakes happen. & while some of them are small and help you grow, sometimes you make a mistake that's so huge, like a mountain you can't seem to move, that you wish with all your might, as tears come pouring down your cheeks, that you could change it.

I've finally been witness to - no, a part of - one such mistake. And now I feel empty. So unbelievably empty. I don't feel like the girl who believes in wishes and rainbows and a sun that's always shining even when it's cloudy. I feel like my inside would echo like a well; hollow, cavernous.

I've never cried so much before in my life. I feel as though I've lost a part of myself, and I won't ever get it back. I won't ever be the same. & I'm lost. It's like I'm dreaming in nightmares. And as I've always done before, I remind myself to breathe through it, I've tried to tell myself it will get better, and search for all the positive aspects of what happened. But it hasn't worked this time. I can only hope that it'll get better in time, but right now, this mistake makes it hard to even believe that as possible.

So yeah, mistakes happen. & I can say now, more then ever, that while all mistakes shouldn't be fussed over and turned into some dramatic production...sometimes mistakes happen that bring your world crashing down. And those mistakes, those collosal mistakes...it's okay to wish they never happened. To regret them with all of your might, and to pray as your tears soak your pillowcase that you'll wake up the next morning to discover it never happened.

I've learned it's okay to wish you had done things different. I know I do. So much so.

I believe in a new lyric now.

"Id've spent alot more time in the pouring rain without an umbrella - covering my head
and Id've stood up to that bully when he pushed and called me names - but I was too afraid
Id've gone on and saw Elvis that night he came to town - but mama said I couldn't
Id've went skinny dipping with Jenny Carson that night she dared me to - but I didnt
Oh I, Id've done alot of things different
I wish Id've spent more time with my dad when he was still alive - now I don't have the chance
and I wish I had told my brother how much I loved him before he went off to war - I just shook his hand
I wish Id've gone to church on a Sunday morning when my grandma begged me to - but I was afraid of god
I wish I woulda listened when they said "boy, you're gonna wish you hadn't" - but I wouldn't
Oh, Id've done alot of things different
People say they wouldn't change a thing
Oh, but I would..."

-Kenny Chesney

XOXO

DG

4 comments:

Jane Opal said...

There is such a thing as a second chance, even if it doesn't come in the form you may have expected.

Faker said...

I know how you feel and time heals everything. It might not seem it now but it will get easier. I wrote a similar post on my Blog its called the 'Art of Falling'. Check it out if you want.

http://fakerwithin.blogspot.com/

Felicia Jane said...

Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean your family loves you any less or that your friends feel you are anything less. It is normal to feel this way after something happens this big, and I know you will be better in time, just keep breathing, and keep on walking forward, because it is just a mistake and it doesn't define you nor will it ever define you.

Jen said...

ohhhh, I have so been there. Several years ago - my entire world was shattered. Believe in second chances, and make sure to give yourself one too. Believe that in time, it will get better. Your words brought back jagged memories of those feelings...it will get better. Keep Faith.